In the beginning my prayers were nothing more than these simple words, with the heaviest, hurting heart I’d ever felt, yet somehow it seemed that those two words were saying more than a thousand ever could.
As time passed I offered a few more short, clumsy prayers to God but nothing that would require me to dive deeper into the pit I was desperately trying to claw my way out of; Help me, Help us, I miss him God and Why God? This was all I was capable of yet God, knowing my deepest, ugliest emotions, gave me this promise. He hears me…not just my words, but my soul.
The promise came through a scripture that I had heard a thousand times at church and Bible studies, “…the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what to pray for, but the spirit Himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.” (Romans 8:26)
The enormity of that scripture penetrated my heart, and it became relevant. It was exactly what was happening to me. And in the oddest way, I felt a brief moment of peace, followed by a brief moment of joy that I’d thought not possible in the midst of my pain.
My circumstances hadn’t changed. David was gone. But I began to feel an incredible connection to Jesus because based on this promise, I knew that the Holy Spirit was pleading for me when I was incapable. Suddenly I didn’t feel alone.
How do I know God placed this on my heart? It wasn’t me. I can tell you that. I was a zombie. I couldn’t think. I didn’t want to think.
Nothing seemed normal. The chirping of the birds outside our window didn’t sound right to me. I didn’t want to hear them at all. My body shook from the inside out, mostly at night. I couldn’t focus on television. Reading was out of the question. I wanted to leave the house, yet there was nowhere I could go to escape. I could barely look at our family pictures on the bookcase. It hurt too much.
So yeah, at a time was I was paralyzed with grief; God lovingly gave me this promise. It wasn’t audible. It just came to mind.
Does that seem weird to you? It seemed weird to me, but oh how thankful I was! It was a gift, a life giving gift really. This was my first entry and God showed up? Wow! Would I experience this every time I sat in front of my computer? What if it never happened again? Then what? All I could do was wait until next time, wait and hope.
Dear friend,
May God calm your troubled heart with His real and lasting peace. Pray only what you can, knowing that He hears what you cannot say. He loves you deeply and His Promises are real. You are not alone.
PROMISES: Romans 8:26, 27 John 14:16-27
Jan…today I am reading your blog for the first time. So moving in many many ways. You are such an amazing friend…I remember when Bruce passed, you sent me these very passages. How true they were …..Not only are you living your journey..you are incredible to many along the way. We all love you.